There has been something unsettling in my heart and soul the past month or so and while I have some theories, there hasn’t been anything that I can name out loud and say “yes, this is it.”
Depression and anxiety are like that sometimes. Low-grade sadness, low-grade heart palpitations with an inability to really pinpoint the what or the why.
We’ve lived in this home since the summer of 2014 and we haven’t really done anything with it. No decorating, nothing. We’ve just lived in it. I think my anxious meltdown in May (also called the Great Mother’s Day Clean Out of 2016) snowballed and turned into a strong desire to make this house into a home.
One of my major anxieties is money- spending it, running out of it, being unable to acquire more of it. This anxiety has stopped me from shopping for so many things, which can be a good thing or a sad thing. Good, because impulse purchases aren’t really my thing and saves us money, but sad because maybe my frugality hasn’t allowed me to do the little things to create a home here.
It started with a trip to T.J. Maxx to look for towels, two towels to be exact. None of our towels match and they are all probably as old as our relationship and I decided a few months ago that I’d start buying towels little by little (because those bad boys are $7 a pop)… but not just any towel. I needed the soft, 5-star hotel kind. And they needed to be white (more on that later).
After scooping up my towels, I turned around and a comforter set caught my eyes. Usually I am able to walk by things like that especially after looking at the price, but this time I couldn’t. I stood there debating with myself about whether or not I should own this set. We’ve never had a true comforter set in our 11 years of life together and the raggedy blanket on our bed really needed to go. My soon-to-be-sister-in-law (STBSIL) is a poor influence on me and so instead of saying, “nah, put that back” she was all “well, it is a CUTE set” and so it came home with me.
Isn’t it pretty? I didn’t know how happy a simple comforter set with matchy matchy little pillows could make me. It was a reminder that it really is the little things.
My fear that we will move is another thing that has stopped me from decorating, so all of our photos have been living in a box in the garage since 2014. During the “Great Mother’s Day Clean Out of 2016” I pulled the photos from the boxes in the garage… looking around at our empty beige walls I felt sad and thought they needed some life.
As I began to hang the pictures that we did have, which are few, I felt a strong desire to have more. I always force my family to take family photos, but I never do anything with them. I checked Google for ideas and I stumbled upon this image from atypicaltypea.com.
I really liked “close knit,” but the husband was all about “perfect fit.” So I opened up my wallet, Black Friday-ed the heck out of canvas deals online and they did not disappoint.
I got kind of emotional as I stepped back and looked at our family and we are a perfect fit. I thought “look at what we did.”
I often feel like I’m floating through this life just truly trying to manage, asking myself questions like: what am I doing with my life, what do I want to be when I grow up, why are the hard days greater than the easy ones, am I doing this thing called life “right?” I know that I have this amazing, beautiful family whom I love and I am so damn proud of that.
As a family that has moved seven times in our lives together, I always say that home is wherever my husband and kids are– and that still holds true. But home is also where we live for that time being, home should always be my safe and happy place and what makes me happy is my people, food, pleasant scents, warmth, love, things that visually stimulate warm and fuzzy feelings…
I have the capacity to bring all of that into our house and moving forward, that is what I think I will do.