Change is hard.
Although, truthfully, I usually deal with change very well. (I mean, we’ve moved 8 times in the 11 years we’ve been together- I’ve GOT this).
Sometimes, though, we’re hit with change and we can’t fully comprehend the who/what/where/when/why of it.
There’s a mourning that happens, if the change isn’t one that you’ve wanted, as you try to accept what your new normal will be.
I have to be honest and tell you that when I was told that I would have a new job title this year, I didn’t handle it well. I know, I should have stepped up to the challenge, be grateful that I still have a job, open myself up to the possibilities and all of the other things that we should do when we are faced with hard times.
I didn’t. I was upset. I was hurt. I was confused. I was unsure.
I dove into a summer of work and travel and didn’t have time to think about it until I got home and was done with my summer job.
Then? I internalized it.
And then? I crashed.
It has been a really long time since I had an absolute melt down where I questioned myself, my sanity and all of the things in life. This summer. That happened.
I saw my therapist a lot and we talked through this thing together. She was really worried about me going back to work and so during our last session she said that I could continue to relive it or I could reframe it- change the way that I’m thinking about and approaching this thing. She said I needed a plan. So we made one.
One of the things that she suggested was getting some positive podcasts, which, even though I am a tech queen- I’ve never EVER listened to one. I asked the Facebook peeps and they delivered with lists of podcasts that I should be listening to. (YES. I know I need to listen to Serial. Not now, though, y’all. I ain’t ready. I just finished Stranger Things on Netflix. Gimme a minute.)
I found one called Jump Start Your Joy and in one of the episodes she talks about dealing with change. In short, it was good. She said so many of the things my therapist has already told me and I don’t know why but she gave me a little kick in the butt to get my shit together and kick this school year into full gear.
I am not sure if my meds are starting to kick in or what, but I’ve woken up each day this week with an overwhelming sense of love and appreciation for those around me. I think sometimes when you’re lost in the darkness it is so hard to see not only how awesome everyone around you who supports you is, but what a fucking strong badass warrior you are.
I have been looking at my husband with such adoration. What a rock this man is.
My son is such a friggin firecracker and I love him.
My daughter is so damn awesome. I mean, I’ve always known that, but I looked at her on Monday and was all OHMYGODIMADEYOUILOVEYOUSOMUCH and she’s all
So. Here’s the thing, warriors. Shit gets rough.
And guess what? You are allowed to feel your feelings. Anyone who tells you that you can’t be sad or mad or cry or whine or pout- is insane. FEEL THOSE FEELINGS. We have to be able to acknowledge our emotions.
So I’ve done that.
Now? As Paula Jenkins so eloquently put it in her podcast, I need to react in a way that honors who I am.
I am going to change the narrative.
She also says:
You can love yourself and still be afraid- it’s okay.
Be gentle with yourself.
Tell yourself: YOU CAN OWN THIS THING. Cause you can. Even if you think you can’t. I mean, look at us, beating this mental illness shit with a broom (and meds). You can own this thing.
Finally, my favorite thing that Paula said in that episode was this:
“How do birds learn to fly? They fall. In falling, they gain wings.
To gain wings, you have to believe that you were put on this earth for a reason.”
I needed that gentle reminder.
In changing the narrative I hope to leave my mark on this school year. And hey, guess what? God gave me a nice window with a good view and some sunshine to look forward to each day. I can’t be mad at that.
Go fly, peeps. We’ve got so much awesome to do.