He was really sleepy last night and fell asleep on my chest…
As he lay there, it took every ounce of my being not to burst into tears.
We had gone to the doctor because his allergy trifecta (allergies, eczema, asthma) has been highly uncooperative lately and causing some concern. Swap out allergy meds, plus add a new med, try a new regimen, up his inhaler pumps per day, see what happens…
He’s fine. He’s always (so far, knock-on-wood) been fine.
But that doesn’t stop me from feeling the way that I do.
I know, in my core, that me staying home with him would not make him any better than he already is.
The asthma won’t go away. The eczema won’t go away. The food and environmental allergies won’t go away.
No, those are things that he was born with that he will have either forever or until he grows out of it and God says “Okay,CJ, you’re all done.” You know, whichever one.
But I can’t help but feel
bad, sad, angry, guilty, something.
I’m not there.
I’m not there for everything. For every fever. For every wheeze. For every dose of allergy meds. For every. single. thing.
I’m. Not there.
And I feel bad about that.
It’s almost like I want to just put him back in my womb ’cause at least he was safe in there.
But I can’t do that.
I don’t have all of the days in the world to take off with him when his immune system is not cooperating. I can’t work from home. I don’t have that luxury.
In all honesty, he loves daycare. He loves being with other kids and his daycare mom is amazing. I couldn’t ask for a better person to leave my son with. She is teaching him so much.
The more we experience as we navigate through this life of being allergy/asthma/eczema parents, the more that my son teaches me about strength and resilience.
He’s only two, but his ability to push through even when I know he isn’t feeling well? Is amazing. I mean, he also says things like “I need yotion” (lotion), and “I need mah mecine” (I need my medicine) which many children who are two probably don’t say and is a reminder that he is a sick boy.
But he, he is a champion.
I wish I could be there with him, but being at work is what’s best for me and him living his life as fully as he can is what’s best for him.