I saw my therapist yesterday.
I love her for more reasons than one, but I trust her so much because she’s been seeing me since 2006- that’s a long time. I know… you’re thinking “You’ve been in therapy that long?!” I mean… yes and no. On and off since 2006. I’m not really the ideal therapy patient. Sometimes she doesn’t hear from me for weeks…months… one year. Then I’ll call.
That’s neither here nor there. I don’t think therapy is a thing that you can “pass out of” per se. You don’t take a test and then say “well, I’m done.” I think some people know when they are done and then there are people like me, who like having someone in their lives to help them sort out fact from fiction, among other things.
I don’t always feel like I’m being the best mom. It could be the anxiety. It could be the fact that by nature I’m a yeller and it’s something that I’ve been working on since the oldest came out of the womb. Or it may be the “compare myself to other moms” syndrome that many of us seem to have these days.
Whatever it is, it is a real feeling.
This week, I’m on spring break but my oldest isn’t, so instead of daddy taking the kids to school like he does every morning, I’ve had the “pleasure” of doing that. I use the word pleasure lightly because it really isn’t a pleasure.
On Monday, I watched my oldest get out of the car and walk away towards her school and my chest got tight, I got a lump in my throat and it took every. single. ounce of my being not to cry.
What the hell?
She goes to school every day, what was that?
And then the same thing happened as I watched the two-year-old run into daycare with his arms outstretched like an airplane.
As I drove away, still fighting with my emotions, I said to myself “I’m a good mom.”
That’s it. That’s what it was. I think for the first time, in my six years of being a parent I knew it for sure… because there is no way, if I weren’t a good mom (and I could be wrong) that I would have given a crap that my kids were growing up. Walking off to school and daycare independently without me. I would’ve thought “good riddance,” but nope. I was overcome with emotion-
where has time gone?
when did they become so big?
no one wants to hold my hand?
she doesn’t need me to walk her to the door?
how the heck did she get so tall?
All of the emotions. All of the thoughts.
I shared this with my therapist and she laughed. “Of course you are,” she said.
“You’re a good wife. You’re a good mom. You’re a good teacher.
She told me that I had to identify my lanes.
She said that most of us live in the “Good Enough” lane 80% of the time and that’s okay.
Probably the most amazing analogy for life I’ve ever heard.
So I just want to tell you, person out there on the Interwebs, that you are good enough. You’re a great mom/dad/wife/husband/**insert role here**. You’re trying your best and I know it. You may not always do it the best way, or with grace, or the way you wanted to at the moment.
But you are doing it right.
‘Cause sometimes you just need to hear that- that you’re doing it right.