It hurts so bad some days I feel like I can’t breathe.
It makes me cry. Uncontrollably. For no. damn. reason at all.
And I can’t stop.
It stops me from sleeping, but
It makes me want to sleep all day.
Or sleep forever. Whatever.
It hurts physically.
It tells me things.
You’re not doing it right.
You’re not good enough.
You don’t deserve it.
You’re not a good mother.
Definitely not a good wife.
You are a failure.
You are a shitty person.
It’d probably be better if you just weren’t around.
You. Are. Nothing.
It tells me these things at rapid speed.
Over. And. Over.
It feels like it won’t stop.
It’s exhausting to continue to be the person that everyone wants you to be. The person that everyone thinks you are.
It’s a secret.
It’s my secret.
“Some things are better left unsaid.”
That doesn’t apply to mental illness.
Let someone help you even when you feel like you can’t help yourself.
Someone can help you. Someone can save your life.
It is a fight.
That’s what depression feels like to me.
A fight. Every. Single. Day.
It is a fight to live.
It is a fight against these demons. These constricting feelings of helplessness and despair.
It is a journey. But I am learning to not feel shame, but rather to speak up in hopes that others who suffer don’t feel alone. Don’t give in to the lies that depression tells.
HELP IS OUT THERE.
My help has many names. My help lives in many places. But it’s there.
CJ,Pea, The Mister, My family. I live for you. You give me strength. You give me life. You give me breath when it hurts to breathe, you give me the air that I need. YOU are my reason. For everything.
***insert your name here** if you support me. If you talk to me. If you pull me off of the floor. If you hold me up. If you listen even if you don’t get it. If you text me. If you sit with me and say nothing. If you tweet me. I’ve heard from so many of you through my blog and other places. YOU give me life. YOU have helped to saved my life.
I think it’s too bad that the death of someone famous and well known is what it takes for us to have a national conversation about how serious. How real. How unforgiving. How hard. How lonely and how cold depression is.
But maybe… maybe… good things will come from this healthy dialogue.
Click here for help for you or someone you know: Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
Email me. Tweet me. I’ll talk.