Someone in my life is really hurting right now and on my way back from my run today, I heard a song that really put this post on my heart.
I wanna tell y’all a story. Before I tell it, I wanna say that I know this blog goes right into the email boxes of my family members and so with that being said, I want to apologize in advance for never telling you. But not telling you before now was the best choice that I ever made.
I was molested when I was a kid.
I’ve really only said this aloud to my therapist, my husband and one or two trusted people.
The who and the what and the why of the situation is not important for the purposes of this post.
Over a span of about 5 years, my body was violated by someone else until I decided to put a stop to it by creating distance between that person and myself.
If you ask me I’ll tell you that I really don’t think this experience shaped my childhood. I had an amazing childhood. Great parents, wonderful siblings- I wouldn’t trade them for anything.
I was a shy kid.
I cried a lot. For everything and anything.
I internalized… almost everything.
I kept diaries. I would find a private spot, turn up the music and write.
Of course, I’m lying and my therapist who spent 4 years trying to get me to call it what it was- sexual abuse- would want me to tell you of course it shaped my childhood… and my life.
I don’t think I really understood that being so introspective was becoming self-destructive until college.
I was secluding myself from the people who loved me and it… wasn’t pretty. There were dark moments. And thoughts of suicide. And feelings of worthlessness. And… some reckless behavior.
I feel blessed, though, to have gone to a college where my behavior didn’t go unnoticed and I was referred to the counseling center and started on the path of recovery.
And I learned a lot during these hard times.
I learned to lean on the people who love you and want to be there for you. People who love you don’t care if you have needy moments- you know why? Cause they love you. And if they do care- then maybe you want to reconsider having them in your life. (That’s just my thought process) I am beyond grateful for those people because I seriously think they helped save my life.
I learned that it’s not okay to stay silent. Holding these things in isn’t good for anyone. I had an amazing therapist. Amazing. I owe her so much. She taught me so much.
Having the ability to identify my triggers has helped me to prevent breakdowns before they happen- or at least minimize the length and severity of one.
Being able to name this event and call it what it is sexual abuse, but to not let it have ownership over my life HAS. BEEN. HUGE. because I am not this abuse. Today, yesterday, tomorrow- ever.
I write this not for sympathy. I’m not sorry because I believe that every life experience helps to make us who we are. I write this because I want this person in my life- this person whom I love very much- to know that we all have something.
We all have been there.
You have to make a choice…
Is this thing gonna own you? Or are you gonna claim it and own. it.?