I have to tell you.
I don’t check the mail.
I mean, I might check it once every two weeks and the only reason I do that is because I know I piss my mail carrier off when they open the door and there’s not enough room to put the mail in there. Then they have to drive all the way down to my house and leave me a not-so-nice note that pretty much says “Hey! empty your mailbox lazy.”
But, first of all- the mailbox is far.
We live in a townhouse complex, so you don’t get the luxury of having the mailbox on your doorstep. You don’t even get the luxury of having a group of mailboxes say… every ‘x amount’ of groups of townhouses. What you get is an obnoxiously large group of mailboxes WAY, WAY at the front of the townhouse complex that is off of a one way street that I never, ever use to come into the complex unless I go to the grocery store.
I have to drive to check the mail from my house. (I mean, I could walk, but what is this? Exercise? No.)
Second- what the heck am I checking the mail for? Bills.
Right. I owe you, you and you. Got it. Check.
I pay almost all of my bills online anyway. So, no I don’t want a physical copy and not everyone gives me the option to “go paperless” and I don’t need to see how much I owe you in print. I may vomit. $180 utility bill. Again. Yes!!!!!!!! That’s all I ever wanted. Thank you Colorado Utility people.
Last- junk mail.
What. The. Eff.
How did you find me? How do you know my name and that I live here?
Even worse? When you don’t even take the time to learn my name and instead address it to “our friendly neighbor at…” or “Current resident…”
How do you know I’m a friendly neighbor? Because actually? I hate you for putting crap in my mailbox.
I want to think of something snarky to write on it so that I can drop it in the mail labeled “return to sender.” Maybe, “To my annoying, local, tree killing friends: I already have a dentist/gym/pizza shop/oil change person/credit card company to charge me obscene interest.”
Well then I have to stand there and waste my time doing this:
So then my shred basket is full to the brim because, really? I don’t have time stand there and shred stuff.
But then I’ll get an email/call/text from the mother-in-law, best friend, Tweep- someone saying “did you get the ___ I sent in the mail?”
Oh… right… mail. I should go check that.
I’m really good at sending mail. I mail people stuff all of the time. Letters, packages, whatever.
But checking it? Yeah…
I’m workin’ on it.