I cried today.
Maybe like 80 times…
Okay, I’m exaggerating.
Maybe like 3 or 4 times.
Twice at work, once while on hold with my doctors office for the four millionth time (exaggerating again) more out of frustration that the women at the front desk are just so friggin mentally incapacitated that they can’t do what I ask which is simply to be transferred to a specific voicemail, NOT the nurse or the nurse’s nurse’s voicemail. (I do speak English, right?)
After being cut off twice and transferred to the wrong person once. I left two voicemails. One on my doctor’s nurse’s line and one on the nurse practitioner’s nurse’s line (can you keep up with that?) hoping that someone will sense my urgency and understand that:
a. I am a teacher, breaks are far and few in between. I can’t just call you from my classroom to discuss miscarriages, cramps, blood, etc. in front of my 6 year old students at my leisure.
b. I am in pain. Have been for two weeks, so for the LOVE OF GOD can someone call me back.
c. I have called way more times than I think even necessary and I don’t think people understand/hear/feel my urgency through the phone. And anyway? It’s rude.
I got a call back. I expressed my disappointment with the lack of customer service, especially given the circumstances (pain, no blood, more pain, still no blood) cried with the doctor (that was great… really, it was embarrassing) and then explained that it is very difficult for me to teach the kids when I’m in so much pain, when my mind is elsewhere, when I feel like my body is failing me… because not only can my body not make and keep a baby anymore, but it can’t even miscarry by itself- WTF?!
Long story short, I made a choice.
I really didn’t want to take the pills/inserts- whatever they want to call them.
I wanted to wait for my body to do its own thing.
But it’s been exactly 4 weeks since I was informed that there is no baby and I was told today that if I wait any longer, I will have to have a D & C, then there will be no choice on my part.
I was told that the pain that I’m in is my body trying really hard to miscarry, but not really being able to do it on its own.
I feel like if I keep waiting for my body to do its own thing, I may begin to find that “dark place“… you know, the place that requires treatment from my friends Paxil or Zoloft or Pristiq or, or, or… because I feel that place coming, I do.
I just want to be happy and enjoy this:
because really, how blessed am I to even have that?
So I got these:
(Cytotec aka Misoprostol)
and I’ll “insert them” before bed.
I also have a prescription for Vicodin (yeah, that should be fun)
and that’s that.
I’ll move on.
Or, at least, be so buried in work with all of the new curriculum changes that my boss says is coming our way that I won’t even notice.
Please say yes.