…or just recently had a baby.
Or at least that’s how it seems.
Or is it always like that?
It’s probably always like that. I remember thinking before I had Baby C that everyone was pregnant.
We… are not pregnant.
In fact, we just lost a baby.
Yes world, I recently had a miscarriage or a “Missed AB” as they wrote on my hospital papers. “Typically, no symptoms exist besides amenorrhea, and the patient finds out that the pregnancy stopped developing earlier when a fetal heartbeat is not observed or heard at the appropriate time. An ultrasound usually confirms the diagnosis. No vaginal bleeding, abdominal pain, passage of tissue, or cervical changes are present.”
Once upon a time I was pregnant. I went in for my first OB appointment and they said the heart rate was low, like 60 bpm, but that I was only about 6 weeks, so they’d keep an eye on it. So, the next week we went in for another ultrasound- per my doctor’s request- and the heart rate was like 102 bpm, but “still kinda low.”
In the meantime, I was having cramping like it was my j-o-b and I called my Dr. to which they said “drink more water, you’re probably just dehydrated.” (Thanks, Doc)
Two weeks later, I go in for another ultrasound. I was supposed to be almost 10 weeks, but the Dr. said a) he couldn’t find a heartbeat and b) I was measuring at 6 weeks, 2 days. (What?) So he wanted me to get my hCG levels checked that Friday, then again on Monday.
You ever just know something is wrong? Especially with your own body?
I knew something was wrong and I knew that the news wouldn’t be good when I went back on Wednesday.
My Dr. confirmed that my hCG levels were, in fact dropping and when we did an ultrasound he said: “yea… there’s no baby. So it was in fact, a miscarriage.”
Really you dumb f*k? Could you be any more stoic? Asshole.
“Soo do you want to wait for your body to miscarry naturally? Cause you haven’t bled yet.”
No I want to have a D&C, thank you. Schedule it.
“Well that’s probably best since we don’t know how long you’ve had this fetus inside of you like this.”
He’s an asshole. And everyone at his office is too. I hate how long they make you wait for shit. I hate how insensitive they are. It’s like and you’re in the business of women and children? How?
I don’t really know how I’m supposed to be grieving about this. Since I kind of knew something was wrong with the pregnancy, maybe I didn’t allow myself to get mentally attached? There were a few tears at the Dr.’s office and a nice cry when I woke up from surgery- though I’m not sure if it was because of the pain that I was in or from the loss.
For the most part, though, I’ve just been very stoic myself. I don’t know what to think or feel besides life has thrown me yet another curve ball. I don’t lay around feeling sorry for myself, I just think of this situation as it is what it is. I also told myself I have a daughter who is here now that needs me now and doesn’t have time for Mommy to go to that weird dark place that she can go into where she doesn’t know if she’s comin’ or goin’. It wouldn’t be fair to Pea for me to get myself into a funk… Nah. I can’t go there.
What good would it do me anyway?
– Can’t find a job.
– Lost our baby.
– Money is tight. (Isn’t it for all of us?)
– No friends. (This desert life sucks)
– Oh, and our daughter keeps getting sick. (Remember yesterday’s post? Well, Pea has pneumonia)
– Oh… and? my face looks like a nervous high school girls the night before prom. What the EFF I haven’t had this many zits since 6th grade. OMFG
I just feel very numb… if that makes sense. Closed off. Annoyed with life. And our shitty ass situation. And feeling like since there’s nothing presently that can be done about it, I live- one day at-a-time. What the heck else can I do?
Fuck you very much life. Seriously.